Tony and I went shopping for work pants (for him) Labor Day Weekend and we took the kids with us because we had to and then we didn’t find any pants. I’m sure the retailers just loved seeing my two monsters run through the aisles and into the clothing racks and then us leave without buying anything. Sigh. The mall pipes cocaine through the air to hype up the children, I think.
Anyway, Bath & Body Works was having a sale and Tony really likes some of their dude-lotion (he once said to me, “Oh, now I understand why you’re not cold all the time. It’s like the lotion provides a nice, insulating layer!”) and I enjoy several of their smelly lotions. I didn’t used to wear smelly lotion, but once I had kids I started to replace perfume with lotion. You get the same light fragrance (so long as you can find one you like) with way less transferability. By that I mean, your new baby’s head won’t smell like your lotion, but it will smell like your perfume if you wear it. Put another way, perfume and kids do not play well together, but lotion and kids do okay. Jamie even likes to grab my lotion tubes and smear some on his face, if I don’t catch him in time.
So I bought some new lotion and started wearing one of them right away: Beautiful Day. I love it. Light, fruity and flowery, it felt good for a late-summer fragrance and it’s not overpowering. I took the kids to the park and looked like a total weirdo because every few minutes I would smell my forearm, closing my eyes and breathing deeply with a look of bliss on my face.
No wonder no one ever talks to us at the park.
I am also probably avoided because I am that person who is all, “oh, it’s only a bee, he won’t hurt you” to my kids, but when one dances around me, I start to wave my arms and run in zig-zag circles like I’m trying to confuse a stampeding elephant. We made a bee-line (ha!) out of the park that day because the yellow jackets were ganging up on me.
Over the next few days I continued to wear the lotion and continued to have to usher bees out of my house and car. One was even crawling in my hair at one point. Not cool, bee.
Then, after a nice, sweaty workout on Wednesday night, I looked down at my leg because I felt something tickling me (I was wearing shorts). And then I shrieked and brushed off the biggest goddamn blue dragonfly I have ever seen in my entire life! The thing was tasting me, I swear to you. Oh, sure, dragonflies are harmless, but that one just about gave me a flipping heart attack!
Finally, the connection was made: the lotion was attracting all of these bugs to me! I proceeded to relate the story of running around like a crazy person in the park, complete with arm-waving, zig-zag running demonstration, to my friends and mused that I should perhaps retire this lotion fragrance until insect season had passed. They wanted to know what fragrance it was and when I told them, Tony said, “Are you sure it wasn’t called Bug Attractant?”
Yeah, well, that probably should be it’s name. Consider yourself warned: Bath & Body Works’ Beautiful Day might just turn you into that mutant supervillian from Spider-Man that is made out of bees. (It would appear that, as my boy children grow older, all of my pop culture references will be to boy things.) Or it will at least cause you to publicly embarrass your children and friends when you do the bee dance.
1 comment:
I'm dying here. It is time for you to write a book, I swear.
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