I don’t know how they figured it out, but my boys now know that I am disgusted by the sound of gargling. I tried not to let on, to disguise my flinching when they would gargle their saliva as I brushed their teeth, but they figured it out. And now they gargle their own spit ALL THE TIME. It’s like nails on a chalkboard to me. Gargling water is not so bad, or even orange juice or milk, but saliva? *Shudder* So. gross.
It wouldn’t be so bad if they didn’t know that I hate that sound, but they do. It’s become apparent to me over the past seven years that you must not, as a parent, EVER let on that something weird bothers you. Your children will exploit your weakness long past the point where it is funny to ANYONE except them. Vultures. Tiny, adorable vultures. Tiny, adorable vultures who GARGLE CONSTANTLY.
*****
What is it about babies that makes them instantly shove their fists down to their butt as soon as their diaper is off? I swear, I no sooner get the diaper unsnapped than Freddie shoves his baby-strong arms down so he can grope himself, poop and all. I can’t hold his arms up and wipe him down and change him simultaneously, of course (where is that third arm when I need it?), and he’s started to do that thing that all babies do (don’t you dare tell me that your sweet, little muffin doesn’t do this – I don’t want to hear it!) where if he’s not actively grabbing at his junk, he’s squirming his little butt right off the changing table.
It seems cruel to handcuff a baby to a changing table… and yet. Have we invented baby handcuffs yet?
*****
We all went to a little girl’s birthday party on Sunday: pink and ribbons and My Little Pony and a craft with glitter and stickers. We also swam, and my boys pretty much ignored the pink things and made their own fun by kicking around a balloon and eating copious amounts of popcorn and Red Vines (it helped that they absolutely adore the birthday girl). As all the kids were huddled around the birthday girl, watching, rapt, as she opened her presents, Charles surreptitiously put his hands up to his face and started squeaking out fart noises. Quietly at first, then louder and a little longer on each “fart.” Pretty soon, kids in front of him began to look around to see who was farting. Adults behind him, those who couldn’t see his elbows raised straight out from his face like wings, began to wonder who was tooting up a storm. One dad was silently laughing so hard he was red in the face and looked like he was suffering from a seizure. At that moment, Tony and I decided it had gone on too long.
“Charles…” we both said, in that adult warning voice that you know you all do, stretching out the syllables so the kid knows he’s going to get in trouble if he keeps it up.
He turned and looked at us with a mischievous grin. So hard to ruin his fun when I was dying with laughter inside, too.
Many of the other adults laughed out loud, though, thereby reinforcing his behavior. I anticipate many more stealth fart symphonies in the future.
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