Sunday, April 12, 2009

Home Stretch

Poor Tony didn't get home until 4 last night (this morning). Then, he got up at 8:30 to rush out the door to church with me and Charles at 9. I am so glad that tax season is almost over-- I am very tired of being a tax widow. We have so many projects to finish around here, and I can't do them alone or while I am watching Charles. Unfortunately, we will still be without the man of the house on weekends and evenings for awhile, as Tony is taking an intensive class at the CC to get his captain's license renewed. For whatever reason, he has the first weekend in May off, though, so we will head to the beach for Loyalty Day and the Blessing of the Fleet... sounds like Charles might get his first boat ride!

Easter outfit :-)

This tax season has certainly taken its toll on us. I have a strong, renewed respect for single parents of small children, because I have had a glimpse of what they deal with on a daily basis, and it is tough. Of course, I did it with an extra income (and extra laundry) and the knowledge that Tony would be home at some point in the night to cuddle, even if not for long. Still, I can't even explain how hard it is to be without support system on a daily basis while being a first-time parent. All the second-guessing has no outlet, and I nearly lost it. Also, I am convinced that if I was able to get to the gym in the evening a few times a week, I would not be such a fatty. I find that my fuse is short these days, and the self-hatred and bitter envy of skinny women and women who bounce back from pregnancy super quick burn hot. I am almost to the point of breaking my own rule and purchasing new clothes before I hit my target weight because I don't have much left to wear. I am too small for the clothes I wore immediately post-partum, but much too big to fit into old clothes. Sigh.

Sleeping Angel

The past few days have been extra tough because Charles is teething. He has two showing on his bottom jaw, and it is truly amazing how this affects him. He will be perfectly content for a couple of hours and then - all of the sudden - BAM! VERY UNHAPPY CHILD. He shrieks until the baby tylenol takes hold and then he usually drops off to sleep. Poor guy. I admit that I will miss his gummy smile. Babies with teeth just aren't as cute as before. I think that's another area where I am a little sad - Charles has gotten so big, so fast, that I was able to take comfort in a few small things. Things like, he still has a gummy smile, or he still snuggles in close to sleep. Now, he is 20 lbs and still can't sit up, thus providing me little relief in the carrying-around department (we bought a backpack this weekend because I still need to carry him in the grocery store and he is too big for the Baby Bjorn, and there is no one else to do the shopping), he likes to sleep all spread out, he can soothe himself to sleep in his crib with little or no crying (suck it, cry it out methods - our baby still knows I am there for him!), and he has teeth. Pretty soon, he won't want to nurse (dooming me to lose the weight on my own) and he won't want to cuddle. Why can't he grow up in the normal ways, like sleeping through the night? Instead, people just think he is a developmentally-challenged 18-month-old.

Charles is a wonderful boy with a sunny personality, always happy and smiling with no attachment issues like stranger-distrust at all. I know he will have an excellent life. But I also feel a bit cheated out of the early stages because I was doing it all alone and he grew so quickly. I see my other friends' babies who are only 11 pounds at two months (Charles was almost 12 lbs by the time he was 3 weeks old) and I am sad. They will get to enjoy all those baby clothes so much longer than we did, they will be able to carry their child in the front pack much longer, they will be able to hold off solid foods until the recommended time, and most of all, they will do it with their spouses there every night, to help establish a bedtime routine, to share in the short-lived baby period, to reassure each other that their baby is not a freak whose only possible career track is NFL lineman. We missed that, it went so fast and I was all alone. I just hope it will be a bit different next time. Genetics and chosen professions are not on my side, though.

Well, thanks for reading my pity party. Wednesday's the day, and then Tony gets to babysit Thursday afternoon before starting his class on Friday. Then, once captain status is reestablished, Tony will be cruisin as backup on the Deception Pass Tours this summer - probably only one weekend a month or so, but fun nonetheless.


Mom and Dad said...

Charlie is the cutest soon to be toothed grandson I have. Time goes quickly no matter the size or attributes. Seems like just a littel time ago you all were still in high school.....As the song goes, "don't blink." Love you

chasecarole said...

There are still so many wonderful baby moments in your future... sitting up, crawling, talking, sleeping through the night... I think no matter what your home situation babyhood always flies by, but I promise that by the time Charles is two you wouldn't trade a day of all that joy and wonderment for a day of having an infant again... promise!

And when you're done nursing, I'll design you a personalized pageant diet. Those pounds are gonna fly off, I swear!

Hugs from all of us.

K Schimmy said...

I agree with you about the gummy smile... I, too, will miss my boy's toothless grin. But I have seen infants with just a couple of teeth poking out who are drop-dead adorable as well. Keep the faith, your boy will always be the cutest thing in the world to you, even when he's a six-foot tall teenager.

I'll pass on the pageant diet... not to disparage those who want to lose the pounds, but I was a 14 before, and I'll be a 14 after. Otherwise, I will have to buy soooo many new clothes.