Wednesday, November 16, 2011


“"Well," said Pooh, "what I like best -- " and then he had to stop and think. Because although Eating Honey was a very good thing to do, there was a moment just before you began to eat it which was better than when you were, but he didn't know what it was called” –A.A. Milne


It’s no secret that I like surprises, and I like parties, and I like holidays.  It’s the planning, rather than the realization, however, that really turns my crank.  For this reason, I always thought that a fun job would be Event Planner, but I am not foolish enough to think that it doesn’t come with several huge downsides, including the loss of weekends forever and bridezillas and crazy people.


The downside to this personality trait is a bit of a let-down when things are realized.  Are you following?  Because big things have happened in my life lately, and now that I’m on the other side, I feel a bit, well, not anticipatory, and I LIKE to anticipate.


It’s not that I’m not happy I’m here, it’s just that one of the things that makes me really happy is missing.


It might also have something to do with the fact that in my big anticipatory states, I have been the center of attention.  I’m not naive; I know that one can only be the center of attention a few times (really) in one’s life, and most of those acts necessitate turning the spotlight on someone else shortly thereafter, but it’s tough when you experience a bit of loss, a bit of mourning for that attention.


When Tony and I got married, it was all about us, and mostly me.  I loved it.  I loved planning it, I loved living it.  And then, I went to school and I missed it.  Nearly a year of preparation and then it was done!  And it was marvelous, and we had photos and gifts, but it was over.  Fortunately, I had graduate school to work on and look forward to, and that filled some of the void.


But the bigger struggle for me has been babies.  Once again (well, twice again, now), for the better part of a year, I planned for and anticipated having a new baby.  And then he was here!  In my arms!  And suddenly, all that planning is put to the test and we get to live it and breathe it and clean it up every single day and it is truly fantastic.  Oh, I love my boys.


But I miss being pregnant.  Not for the soul-crushing morning sickness, or the weight gain (it’s nice to see the scale inch in the other direction), or the stretch marks (I got ONE GIANT ONE, which just isn’t fair, I’m telling you, as it is a monster that will eat your face if you stare at it long enough and will be the bane of my bikini existence assuming I ever get back to bikini size), or the pressure on my ladybits, or the huffing and puffing up flights of stairs, but for the air of excitement.  Preparing for baby!  People asking me when I was due, how far along was I, did I know if I was having a boy or a girl!  Anticipating labor.  Anticipating a squishy, million-degree, mewly newborn.  Folding adorable tiny clothes that you dream about remembering your child wearing, even though you know from experience that sleep deprivation will cruelly rob you of the best memories.


And now that’s gone.  And I fill my days with work and household chores and kids and it’s not about me and the life I am creating anymore, but rather the boys. 


That’s as it should be, of course.  Ask me about my boys!  Do it!  I’ll tell you how awesome Charles is lately, and how Jamie has started to recognize people other than me and thus lights up with a big, open-mouthed smile when they enter the room.  Those kids deserve all the attention they can get because they are seriously cool and I never thought that having them around would be this much fun.


And Tony, too!  He just got a new job that will mean great things for his career and work/life balance!  Attention to him!


But what about me?  I have nothing interesting to tell you about me.  So I guess I kinda miss being pregnant because it gave me something interesting to talk about, it meant that I was more than just the drudgery of daily life.  And before I got pregnant, I had activities and events, fun things to anticipate.  Now, I anticipate trying to lose the baby weight and that makes me sad.


I think that most people like anticipating great things, even if they’re small things.  Do you anticipate new movies in the theaters?  New books?  I anticipate new books because I don’t have time or babysitters for new movies, but then I usually talk myself out of buying the new books I want to read because I’m too frugal for my own good.  Or maybe you are lucky enough to have a date night with your sweetie once a week or once a month (we don’t do this.  Should we?  Well, probably, but the kid won’t take a bottle, so our together time is limited to Netflix after the kids go to sleep and a little “How tired are you? *wink, wink*” “Too tired and I smell like baby vomit.”). 


I know how Huey Lewis feels… I want a new drug, too.


Sarah said...

I am also a fan of anticipation. I realized this when Andy suddenly surprised me with a weekend away last year and I was surprisingly awkward. I didn't get to anticipate it, and it stressed me out. Weird, huh? Sorry to hear that you're feeling in the shadows. I love you no matter where the spotlight is.

Amelia said...

Thanks, Sarah :) I thought you might understand.

K Schimmy said...

Face-eating monster stretch marks and ladybits. I love you. You always crack me up!

Sylvie said...

You have plenty of interesting things to say about yourself and you are honest enough with your self to actually say them.
And I know that, at least, I am anticipating your blog post! It's makes me kinda feel a little weird as I basically don't really know you but I like to follow you and your little family. Been a boys mommy too I can related to a lot of the same things and I often fantasize that when Sarah and Andy are back in town and you come to visit, we should all get together in my backyard to have one big all-boys garden party (even if this will most likely involve mud and earth worms..)

Mom and Dad said...

You have an amazing way with words that is realistic and expressive. Moving in and out of the "shadows" as Sarah puts it is a mom's life. It is wonderful and heartwarming but you can make your own spotlight and you do. You are a beacon of light in my life as the mom and daughter in law I could have only hoped for. I don't say it enough but you are a gift to us. you and Tony have made a life for yourselves that you are the cement that holds it together. You organize, remind, push, clean, ready, and enjoy your new life. You will find each day different in some way that will bring you happiness, just in a different way than before. There are big right turns in life and maybe this is one for you. We have ah-ha moments too that catch us by surprise. Those change and the rewards change. You will always make the best of it and find your place. It may not always be in front, but trust me you are a focus nonetheless. Love you