I don’t spend as much time thinking about this new baby as I did thinking about Charles before he was born. I suppose that’s normal, as there is a lot more on my plate now, what with running a business and raising a child and caring for an ailing dog… daydreaming about the child in my womb is pretty far down the list of “things to think about,” like, maybe right after “do dishes and laundry and figure out something for dinner.”
I have everything I need for a new baby, though I should probably adjust that assessment after I sort and wash all of Charles’ newborn and 0-3 month clothing that I just can’t bring myself to take out of the garage because, helloooo, 10-14 more weeks to go over here! I have a short list at Target and Amazon (the Amazon Mom thing is so cool, but I still feel sort of lost with the obscene variety of ill-organized products one can browse at Amazon) that is slowly being purchased. I take my vitamins. I have a “birth plan” (get to hospital in time for the birth). Leland will watch Charles while I deliver. We’re set.
But one thing this pregnancy has thrown into sharp relief is how big Charles is. He is such a big boy. I find myself, instead of daydreaming about the new one, looking longingly at Charles’ baby photos when I pass them in the house, or thinking about how he was once small enough to fit into all those onesies I have to wash again. I pine to hold him in my arms again, the soft baby whose breath was so sweet (now he has full-on, grown up morning breath, phee-ew!).
One of the biggest growth areas in the past six months for Charles has been language. And I don’t take video of him speaking as often as I should, and I’m afraid I’ve already forgotten the adorable ways in which he would pronounce words, so here is a short list of my favorites to remind myself:
Eeen! = train
Buboose = Buster (still says this one)
Ni-Ni = pancakes
Beeoo = fork
Mi-mi = ice cream
Didoo = yogurt
Dah-Dah = chocolate
Peese = police (one of his first words, much to my embarrassment – for a bit I worried that other people would think we had lots of run-ins with the Police that that was one of his first words)
Eeean = Leland
Onion = Leland (more recently)
Minimals = animals
Dewey = smoothie
Eeeos = orange
Poot = soup/soap
Oh, there are so many more, but these are the, hmm, most bizarre? I mean, probably every toddler says “simming” before “swimming,” but “Onion” for Leland is pretty great. He’s already starting to replace his first words/pronunciations with the correct ones, and I can’t help but feel that I am losing my baby. And what if this new baby just isn’t as fun?
It’s fear of the unknown, more than anything. Yes, I’ll love my new baby, even if he or she has Down Syndrome and we have to change our entire lives around. Yes, this new child will be a joy. But if only I could birth another Charles, I would be the happiest parent in the world. I think when I was pregnant with Charles I worried a lot about how I would do as a mother, how I would handle getting my child to sleep through the night, keeping him safe, making sound parenting decisions. Now that I have my happy, lively boy, I worry that I’ll have a sullen, boring child for the next one. They are out there, those joyless children, those kids who don’t laugh much, who are too quiet, who are precocious and annoying. I know some of them personally. And while I’m sure their parents love them, do they like them very much? I truly like Charles and I hope I will like the next one, too.
Oh, someone tell me I’m not the only one who thinks like this.