I’ve sorta felt like throwing myself a pity party for a couple of days now, but seem to talk myself out of it with my mother’s no-nonsense statement-of-the-obvious: I chose this.
I chose to have a baby, and it’s a choice I would make again if I had the last year to do over, regardless of the repercussions.
You see, this time last year, I felt like I had two friends that were on their way to becoming my best friends. And they are, probably, still my best friends. They threw me a birthday party. They tell me I look great (I don’t, from the greasy hair to the flabby butt). They encouraged me to dance all night at 7 months pregnant (I made it to midnight, but hey, that’s pretty awesome in it’s own right. I mean, SEVEN MONTH PREGNANT. It wasn’t pretty, but it was fun). They are some of the greatest people I know, and their husbands are my friends and Tony’s friends, too, and it is so, so good. Except.
Except that they are, due to my long absence while dealing with being very, very sick and then tax season as a pregnant sole caretaker of a crazy child while also working lots, and then having a baby, now better friends with each other than with me. And I am happy, because they are my friends and I want them to be happy, but I feel so left out.
Sure, I have a baby, a new one, at home. Sure, I can’t go running with them yet, and by the time I can, they’ll be training for a marathon and I just don’t have the time or stamina. Sure, I would probably turn down invitations to girls’ nights right now. But that doesn’t mean that I don’t wish I was asked, that I don’t pine for my girlfriends. What if, after having been gone for so long, they never ask me again? And I’m jealous. Jealous of the bond they have with each other and fearful that even when Jamie doesn’t demand 24-hour care that I will ever be on the outside of that bond.
I’m a social person and I think I need close friends. But maybe I don’t, and I will learn to live without that in my life for awhile.
So I have to remind myself that I chose this, and try to forget how long it takes to find and build friendships. A person has to choose her family, of course. I guess I’m just always hoping that I can have it all.
Those kids, though. They make up for a lot: