Wednesday, August 3, 2011

Things I know about myself.

I require positive reinforcement.  It’s like air for me- without it, I am pretty melancholy.  I think, lately, that a bit of “baby blues,” or the never-ending post-partum hormone soup that is my body, is making such reinforcement even more necessary to keep me from just, well, quitting.  Not quitting life or anything dramatic like that, but rather quitting being social at all. 

 

I am a mess of contradictions.  I admire my body for carrying two large, healthy babies to term and then nourishing them.  I hate my body for how it looks, how the lumps and the flaps and the sags all come together to make something that is so much less than it used to be before kids.  I love spending time with my two boys.  I hate that since I don’t go anywhere or do anything other than be “mom” anymore, I have nothing to talk about, nothing to contribute to conversations.  I love my job, but I hate that I have been so easily replaced and that it has become ever so obvious during my leave that not only am I not needed there, but that someone else could do my job so much better than I can. 

 

I frequently write little notes and give gifts because that is the kind of attention I crave.  I feel slighted that the people most important to me in my life can’t give me the same attention (two of them are much to small – I don’t begrudge them this, and it is wonderful that Charles has started to spontaneously say “I love you.”).

 

I pour my troubles out into this blog, but I can’t think of how to cleverly portray all the wonderful things that happen everyday, so you might think that life always sucks around here.  I assure you, it is only I who sucks.

 

But the fact remains that this highly personal blog is a vehicle for me to interact with people, to be social in a way that I can’t at work and at home.  It’s supposed to be the trusted friend who can help me through my problems even if I don’t have a close friend to confide in over coffee (I don’t).

 

But you’re not doing your part, internet friends.  I have two family members and one friend who routinely comment, and a few who stop by.  Where are you?  I think I need you.

 

But maybe not.  So I’m going to stop letting it all out here.  Maybe I’ll post once a week, maybe not.  Is it even a good idea that I put photos of my kids on the internet?  I don’t know.  With all the evil people out there, maybe this blog has inadvertently exposed my boys to some awful maliciousness that will cause me to regret these years of posting about our lives. 

 

I have never been good at keeping a diary.  What’s the point of writing when no one else will read it?  What I need is fulfillment, a good diet, and someone to lie to me and tell me I’m wonderful.

12 comments:

K Schimmy said...

Gaaah! No! Don't stop! Our children will THANK us for having a public archive of their lives.

CrisPace said...

I'm sorry I don't comment more, I figure the words of the single guy without kids might be overly naive in commenting on your life. But please know I do care about how you're doing it and check this blog every day.

Stephanie said...

I'm the same as you... constantly needing positive reinforcement. Don't give up. I love you, and I'm sorry for being MIA in the blog world for so long. I'll do better.

jeanne-marie said...

Pas de panique ma grande on est là et on te lit chaque fois que tu publis quelque chose sur ton blog. Profites à fond de tes deux petits sans te poser de question plus tard quand ils seront tous les deux à l'école toute la journée ils te manqueront tellement.
rassures toi on est pratiquement toutes passées par les mêmes états d'âme que toi et après on en rigole çà s'appelle la vie tout simplement et elle vaut la peine d'être vécue...
fais plein de bisous à tes petits bouts et n'oublies pas : On t'aime

Margarita Primavera said...

Don't stop! I'm terrible at the whole comments thing, but I love reading your blog, knowing what's going on in your life and with the kiddos, and feeling like you're a little bit closer that way. I promise to start writing more comments, but don't think that I'm not out here thinking about you when I don't.

beachdog.com said...

I think you're amazing and wonderful.

Debra said...

hi there amelia - long time...but I think your blog is wonderful, even though I'm only one of those stop by every once in a while types of people. You write everything that I think we all want to write, but never do....keep going...il faux jamais arreter d'ecriver ce que tu a dans le coeur...c'est important pour la tete, mais aussi pour l'aime...your two boys are beautiful and never forget que toi aussi, tu es incroyable!

Jennifer L. said...

Please don't stop blogging on here! I regularly read it and love how much I can relate to what you're going through! I check for new posts almost daily!! I really like how open and honest you are about parenting and the daily struggles. Again, please continue your amazing posts!

Unknown said...

Who else is going to come and pick me up and rush me to medical attention? Nobody, that's who.

Amelia said...

Leland, I'm pretty sure I'd do that whether I wrote here or not. Not entirely, though.

Sinead said...

NO, Don't stop! I adore your blog and love your style of writing. I pop in to read from time to time and I always find myself laughing, nodding my head in agreement or realizing that there is someone else out there that feels the same way I do! You are an inspiration and would love to get together to share our motherhood sorrows over a cup of coffee! Hang in there sister!!

Hailey said...

Please don't stop! I love reading your blog. Scary as it is, everything you have to say about motherhood are my worst fears. But somehow you still manage to make it through every day. Most of the blogs I read are from stay at home moms who make life seem so perfect. While I would love to think that is possible, I know that it's not. Stan and I know that living off of one income will not be possible for us, so I know that "working mom" will be my role. You are an inspiration, even if you don't feel like it. You somehow manage to find the time to blog, while I can't even do that (Its been over a year since I last posted). It is good to know that not everything is perfect, because lets be honest, I don't think anyone has a perfect life. We are ALL just really good at faking it in public, or even in private (I know that I can be really good and trying to believe everything is OK, until one day I just breakdown crying for no reason!). Keep up the writing and I will for sure try to comment more often :)