Wednesday, October 29, 2008

Failure

It's funny how things can feel like they're going so great, and then you can hit one day, just one 24 hour period, and things seem to fall apart. Worried, scared, frustrated, tired, sad... just some of the many emotions I am experiencing right now. Oh, and I am trying not to wallow in self-pity, I really am, but geez, things are no good, you know? Tony spent some time ripping up the floor last night where the contractor said he didn't think the floor needed to come up. It was soaked, the contractor is full of crap, but I will surely be holding my tongue around him because, hey, he is fixing this all for free (as well he should - it was his screw up). So things smell bad, there is black mold, a large dehumidifier machine makes a ton of noise, I have no working dishwasher or oven, I can't reach the microwave, and my house is a mess. To top off my fears of poisoning my whole family with this fiasco (seriously, black mold is BAD and that many Clorox fumes can't be good either), I know my blood pressure is getting worse. I can feel my face all hot and throbby. So, all in all, Monday was not a good day and it has sort of screwed the entire week.

I feel like I am failing this child already. Okay, so I have felt that all along. I have gained waaay too much weight (who's a big, fat whale?) and now I have high bp and am breathing spores. Due to the bp, I am no longer doing even the minuscule housekeeping items I was doing before, like the few hand wash dishes we have and feeding the dog, because every time I move, my heart freaks out. What makes it worse is that this child is no closer to coming out and I will likely have to go through another five weeks of miserable, swollen ankles and clothes that don't fit (even large maternity shirts!) before I bring this baby into the world. And then, what if it's deformed or has some horrible disability?

Thanks for reading my rant, internet friends. I am trying to believe it will all get better, but I have a real hard time seeing past the dust and detritus in my kitchen and living room, or the dirt in my bathroom, or the laundry piles, or the overflowing garbage cans, or... I could go on, but you get the picture. Even without the kitchen torn up, things are dirty enough that I wouldn't want to invite friends or family over to visit. So don't come over! Gah!

6 comments:

K Schimmy said...

Hang in there. You are NOT failing your child, and when I saw you two weeks ago, you have NOT gained too much weight. No one knows why some folks get the hypertension, it could just be genetic. You are doing great, and at this point, the black mold can't really hurt the baby because it's pretty much fully formed at this point. Just don't lick the mold, and you'll be okay.

Stephanie said...

It'll be okay! I had PIH with my first pregnancy and ended up on bedrest, I hated bedrest, I felt so helpless, but everything worked out okay and I had a wonderful healthy little girl.

I hope you get your kitchen back to normal soon. :-)

Sarah said...

Hey there... Sorry things seem to be crashing in around you. All I can do is offer some prayer and well wishes. I've got to concur with Kelli though, your're NOT a failure, you're a great mom to even be concerned about all of this right now. See, you're looking out for the baby and he/she isn't even here yet. Hope you're feeling better soon...

Mom and Dad said...

I would also concur with the above or below.... PIH is not something you can control. YOu can only deal with the symptoms and you have. YOu are following what the doc says and more. This does not reflect on your ability, motivation, love, desire, or excitement of this baby. The fact that you have modified your actions is a good thing. You are responding quickly. As far as the weight thing, you told me yourself the doc you go to reassured you that you were right on target. This PIH will effect it, but again that is out of your control, so you do what you can to impact the symptoms. The weight is in the tissue, again not something you can control. It has nothing to do with what you eat because you eat very healthy. Always have. so although the house not meeting your standards may be frustrating but we love you and care more about you, Tony and the Baby.

beachdogs said...

I can only agree with your friends and family. You are not in control of any of the things that are making you feel this way today. You're amazing. You're brilliant. You're gorgeous. Many of us want to hate you because you're so incredibly fabulous and we can't because you're such a good and nice person. This kids is so damned lucky to have you both as parents.

chasecarole said...

This is a totally normal way to feel at this point in the pregnancy game. I can remember feeling the exact same way a few weeks before Michael was born looking at my torn-up kitchen while my BP was sky-high and I was puffy and scratching myself silly from the PUPPP rash.

You are already a wonderful mother and this baby is lucky to have you. In just another few weeks you will have a precious new bundle to love and all this will seem like a distant memory.

Also, I'm here to tell you that you look great and have not gained too much weight. I gained more than my fair share the first time around and I lost it all; you will too.

Patience, grasshopper... you're almost there!