Failure

It's funny how things can feel like they're going so great, and then you can hit one day, just one 24 hour period, and things seem to fall apart. Worried, scared, frustrated, tired, sad... just some of the many emotions I am experiencing right now. Oh, and I am trying not to wallow in self-pity, I really am, but geez, things are no good, you know? Tony spent some time ripping up the floor last night where the contractor said he didn't think the floor needed to come up. It was soaked, the contractor is full of crap, but I will surely be holding my tongue around him because, hey, he is fixing this all for free (as well he should - it was his screw up). So things smell bad, there is black mold, a large dehumidifier machine makes a ton of noise, I have no working dishwasher or oven, I can't reach the microwave, and my house is a mess. To top off my fears of poisoning my whole family with this fiasco (seriously, black mold is BAD and that many Clorox fumes can't be good either), I know my blood pressure is getting worse. I can feel my face all hot and throbby. So, all in all, Monday was not a good day and it has sort of screwed the entire week.

I feel like I am failing this child already. Okay, so I have felt that all along. I have gained waaay too much weight (who's a big, fat whale?) and now I have high bp and am breathing spores. Due to the bp, I am no longer doing even the minuscule housekeeping items I was doing before, like the few hand wash dishes we have and feeding the dog, because every time I move, my heart freaks out. What makes it worse is that this child is no closer to coming out and I will likely have to go through another five weeks of miserable, swollen ankles and clothes that don't fit (even large maternity shirts!) before I bring this baby into the world. And then, what if it's deformed or has some horrible disability?

Thanks for reading my rant, internet friends. I am trying to believe it will all get better, but I have a real hard time seeing past the dust and detritus in my kitchen and living room, or the dirt in my bathroom, or the laundry piles, or the overflowing garbage cans, or... I could go on, but you get the picture. Even without the kitchen torn up, things are dirty enough that I wouldn't want to invite friends or family over to visit. So don't come over! Gah!