Sometimes I Need to Whine, Too.

I’m so tired.  Still.

 

I was so tired on Sunday that I threw a mini tantrum of my own because Jamie wouldn’t nap and Tony was watching football and no one could take care of me.  Not even me.

 

Sometimes I feel like that, when it all gets too overwhelming.  When the days are long and I do everything everything everything for everyone else and even though I know that my brother was working and picking up slack so that I could take a couple of days off and that Tony was dragged to my reunion and not his and he watched the kids while I ran 5 miles with friends or wine-tasted, still, I feel like it’s not a balance.

 

I struggle with that.

 

And it’s stupid, really, because there is no balance.  There never will be.  Tony works all day and sometimes all night and I work part of the day and take care of the kids and the housework and everything else.  He will never do as many dishes as I do.  Never.  I will never work at my job as hard or as long as he works at his – and he’s paid well for that dedication (whereas the only payment for dishes is a clean sink for 20 minutes).  Leland works all day and shouldn’t have to do me favors just because I am forgetful.  I have learned not to ask for favors (though I still do sometimes) because nobody has time and nobody cares.  I don’t get it, because I really like doing favors for people.

 

And other people, my husband and kids included, will never think of me first or probably even second.  We are all self-centered, so even though other people’s lack of consideration for my needs feels like an insult to me, they didn’t mean it that way.  It was just neglect or ignorance.

 

Maybe moms are just wired to think of everyone else to the detriment of their own selves.  I certainly do.  I don’t sleep enough or eat enough or get regular exercise, but it’s my fault because I put others before me.  At least until I break down and I just can’t.  But I am self-centered in that I take it all on as my responsibility to make sure everyone else is okay.  I’m not really in charge of the well-being of anyone except my children, and even that burden is shared.

 

I am still paying for the indulgence of treating myself to friends and wine and laughter and reminiscing all weekend.  No wonder I don’t do things for myself very often. 

 

***

 

I’m really tired.  I promise to be wittier and pithier tomorrow.  I have photos to share and stories about the reunion.  I’m just so tired right now that I can’t sort it in my head.  And recovery-mode-Amelia is pretty depressing.  I’ll go take a nap and feel better.  Maybe some cookies?  Yeah, I’ll make cookies.