Monday, May 12, 2014

Beat the Heat

I did it.  I bought maternity Spanx.  They’re just as horrible/wonderful as you can imagine.  Sort of like regular Spanx, I guess. 


I only ever wear Spanx for one of two reasons: bad skirt/dress material or chafing.  The bad skirt/dress material is an obvious one, I think.  Some material hangs on every lump or roll, even if you don’t really have lumps or rolls, and shapewear is essential for a smooth silhouette.  Chafing, though.  Phew.  If you have never experienced thigh chafing in hot weather while wearing skirts, then you are so, so very lucky.  I assume this is a problem that is limited to us “larger” women, us pear-shaped ladies with well-fed thighs, but I don’t know.  Maybe those skinny-minis chafe, too.  They can probably control their chafing with BodyGlide, as I often do in the summer months.  However, I’m dealing with a whole new class of chafing now, the pregnancy-thigh chafe, and it means I can’t wear a skirt or dress more than a couple days in a row without rubbing my inner thighs raw. 


At least I assume they’re raw.  They feel raw, but I can’t actually see them.


Donning maternity Spanx is a workout in the third trimester.  I have to bend all the way down and pull those suckers up – with force – and get them situated without pinching, all while not being able to see what I’m doing.  I usually have to lie down for awhile afterward to catch my breath.


(Just so we’re clear, these are not heavy-duty, fat-sucking Spanx.  They’re more like double-control-top pantyhose without the hose Spanx.)


It’s 31 weeks of pregnancy madness over here.  The weather has turned warm, but I can barely get up from the lawn chairs on my own and the kiddie pool is taken over completely by jumping kids, both my own and other neighborhood boys, so I can’t cool my feet without getting the rest of me and whatever book I’m reading drenched.  I spend my time wishing I could take a nap (impossible with work and activities and the weekends full of screaming kids fighting dragons or having Slip-n-Slide contests) and dreaming of ways to use my ice cream maker to relieve the heat (I made lemon frozen yogurt yesterday).  I take the dog for a 1.5-mile walk around the block and I am winded, so I’m forcing myself to do it EVERY DAY in the hopes that I will stay in shape for the next 7-11 weeks.  I’m turning 33 in three weeks and damn, do I feel old.


Maternity Spanx is not something I even thought about when I was pregnant with Charles at age 27.  What a difference a few years makes.

1 comment:

Julia said...

I had to wear compression stockings for varicose veins. The first time I put them on required the help of a dear friend, who straddled me and pulled with all her might. They were good shapers once on, but damn was that a workout!