Thursday, May 15, 2014

You Might Be Pregnant If

You might be pregnant if you can smell your co-worker’s honey-flavored Greek yogurt from across the room and it makes you want to vomit, but you don’t say anything negative to him because this particular co-worker is your brother and making comments about vomit while he’s enjoying his snack is a blatant invitation for him to try to make you vomit every hour for the rest of the day.  (Don’t believe me?  Leland tries to make me watch things like the “Raw Chorizo Challenge” on a weekly basis anyway.)  (Google that at your own risk.)


You might be pregnant if you wonder, every single day, how early is too early to eat lunch?  And if you eat what you brought to work for lunch at 10:30 am, does that justify eating another meal at 2 pm?


You might be pregnant if you constantly misjudge your girth and bump into things and people all day long.


photo (18)

That’s a lot of belly to navigate.


You might be pregnant if you have at least one remodeling project that you are insisting be done in a given time period but you don’t plan to help at all, other than giving direction, which, as well all know, is the most important part.  For instance, perhaps you have a bathroom remodel project that you wisely and graciously (much to the relief of your darling husband who puts up with your nonsense) scaled down to include merely repainting the walls, new linoleum, and new baseboard.  That’s not hard, right?  Like, he can totally do that in a weekend.  Maybe even a day.


You might be pregnant if, in addition to that one not-so-big remodel project you have planned, something rather disastrous happens in your house, causing you to make plans for a truly enormous remodel project.  Like, for instance, when something happens at a hose bib in the backyard during the week of super sunny, hot weather while you are running the slip-n-slide for an entire afternoon and water backs up into your crawlspace and your laundry room, soaking your basement carpet, so you think, “Hey!  Since we have to get new carpet anyway, why don’t we just redo the walls with new insulation and drywall and definitely new paint, we really need new paint in here, THIS BABY SHOULD NOT HAVE TO COME INTO A HOME WITHOUT NEW PAINT!”  You think about projects like this even though you are 99% sure you would rather not be divorced before the baby comes.  (1% sure that the walls need to be painted regardless.)



It turned out it was a VERY EXPENSIVE slip-n-slide session.


You might be pregnant if the aforementioned disastrous event results in a $1000 plumbing bill, causing you to cry giant alligator tears and scrap plans for a new carpet and new paint and instead settle for a heavy-duty professional carpet cleaning because you want to be able to fund some college savings accounts for your children someday.  PRIORITIES, mama.  This doesn’t mean that you won’t hate that carpet until the day you die or move to a new house, whichever comes first.


You might be pregnant if you are shopping for anything at IKEA and you’re not heading to college or your first apartment in your early 20s.


You might be pregnant if the biggest and best gift anyone could give you this year for Mother’s Day or your birthday is a nap, but you didn’t get one for Mother’s Day and you know you won’t get one for your birthday, and you probably won’t have a chance to have one at any other time on any other day of the week because you are the glue that holds the family together and without you cooking and cleaning and grocery shopping and taking kids places and the dog to the vet and every other goddamn thing that must be done on a daily/weekly/monthly basis, no one would have any clean clothes to wear of food to eat and they would look at you with sad, big eyes and say, “Mommy?  Help me!” just when you are about to drift off into a blissful 45-minute snooze on the couch.  Trust me, it’s not worth the pain of rousting yourself from an aborted nap to even bother trying.

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